Every Rose Has Its Thorn Part 5

Through many dangers, toils, and snares I have already come.  With the help of God , he turned a bad situation into a good one.  It did and still is taking time to filter through all the emotions that go with abuse.  One thing I know is that it can be done.  We need other people in our lives to help in times like what I went through.  Hurting People Hurt People, Healed People Heal People.




My life was a mess when this picture on the left was taken. The scars I had were more internal. To the normal eye all you can see is the big glasses and my smile, but there was so much pain inside. I was lost, confused, and did not know what to do.


I knew there was a God, but I really did not know Him. I didn't know God had a plan for my life. I just did not know. I did not know how much He loved me.
I found out He loved me unconditionally. I also found out that I did not love myself. It has taken years to overcome the insecurities in my life, but with His help I am overcoming. It takes faith to believe He loves you. All things are possible to those who believe.
This is for those people that have given up hope. If there was hope for me, there is hope for you.
This is just a visual reminder that God is faithful.

Every Rose Has Its Thorn Part 4

I started going to domestic violence meetings, which really helped me a lot,  even if all they did was listen.  I really did not have anybody I could trust to talk to, so this was the perfect setup. I was around people who did not know me and I did not know them. Just the way I liked it. In the meantime, my mom and dad built a new house.  Me and my children lived with my parents two years.  It took that long to get my ex-husband to sign the papers. 

My dad gave me some land and I built a new house. It was the best thing that had happened to me in a long time.  A fresh start. Ladies, think on that one.  I always say, "This journey called life can either make you bitter or better."  I was bitter for awhile,  who wouldn't be. Everything we go through in life can be a stepping stone if we let it.  

I did deal with a fear of the unknown as I started back on my journey again.  Fear will stop you so dead in your tracks if you let it.  I chose to keep moving on.  One thing I hope as you continue reading my story that what I went through was to help someone else. You can make it, too. 

To be continued...

Every Rose Has Its Thorn Part 3

After the ER visit, I had to make a police report. I had to relive the whole ordeal again. They asked all the questions and filed the report. I was just going through the motions to be honest with you. Filing the police report was the first step to putting to the pieces of my life and my children's life back together.

I hardly remember driving back home from the ER. Everything was just one big blur. My whole life was turned upside down. The home I had lived in for the past twelve years was just snatched like a magician would do if he pulled the table cloth from the table. I tried to sleep that night but of course that did not go so well. I woke as usual the next morning for go to work. Could you imagine having to go into work with bruising on both arms and on my neck? Still, I had to sit and do my job and endure the stares from co-workers. I had to start moving on with my life no matter how hard it was.

My new life begins.


My children and I started living with my parents again after all those years of being married and now this. I am thankful that we had a place to stay. My nightmare was still not over by a long shot. I went through a stage of depression that was absolutely unimaginable. I needed something to occupy my mind so I started painting these ceramic statues and bigger ones, too. This helped a lot. I would be so consumed with painting them. I never neglected my kids, though. I would wait untill they went to bed, and then I would paint away. I even let them help paint, too. I was not the only one dealing with issues.

To be continued...

Every Rose Has Its Thorn Part 2

Daniel came back with my keys, and we hurriedly got into my car. As he gave me the keys,
I locked the doors as fast as I could. My (then) husband came walking in front of my car. I was determined to get out of there. All I remember was putting the car in reverse and my (then husband) running down the driveway as we were backing up. I got to the end of the driveway, never looking to see if anything was coming, and the next thing I know my (then) husband was diving onto the hood of my car. He was yelling,"I'm sorry and I'll never do it again," but at that point something snapped in me. I thought to myself, "Enough is enough."

Thinking back on that day now, when my then husband was gripping the hood of my car, it almost seemed as if he was trying to hold on to any shred of life left. He had a moment of clarity, only to realize that his family was slipping through his fingers because of all that had taken place.

I was in a daze and in total shock as I drove around for one hour not knowing what I was going to do next. I knew I could not go back to him. For whatever reason, I did not want to go to my mom and dad's house. I ended up going to my aunt's house and she kept telling me that I should go to my parents, so I did.

I was so ashamed because this happened to me. I hated it for my kids and everyone else that had to be around me. Everyone looked at me with pity in their eyes, awkwardly shifting their weight from one side to the other if they happened to run in to me while I was in town. In some ways, that made things worse because people didn't know what to say. I just wanted to be treated like a normal person, but what had happened to me was anything but normal.

Later that day, I decided I should go to the hospital to let the doctor look at me. I probably looked awful, but at least I was alive. I can remember laying on the hospital and hearing footsteps that sounded just like my (then) husband's boots coming down the hall. That sound was ingrained into every fiber of my being, so it was hard to adjust to sounds of every day living and not experience that dreadful fear that feels as if its going to leap out of your chest.

After what seemed like forever, the nurse came and did the x-rays. No broken bones. I did have some damage to my right ear where the cartilage had been torn, and the ER doctor said it may be permanent. While me (and my children) were free from that prison physically, I wasn't free mentally.

To be continued...

Every Rose Has its Thorn

Marriage is not a fairytale like TV portrays it to be. I met my future husband in high school. After high school we dated, broke up, you know the routine.. He wanted to be in control of his life and mine, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I thought he loved me because he was “concerned” about what I did and who I did it with. I really didn't know any better because I had not been taught the signs of an abuser

At 26 years old, I married him. Many of you may question why I married him in the first place. I thought I knew what love was, but I had no clue. Love was a word. Growing up in a small town, people married right out of high school and had children. Kids were not raised to have dreams and visions for themselves. College degrees were rarely discussed, although there were a few people who managed to break free from the cycle. Grownups started asking who you were dating at a young age because that was how they were raised. Basically, the relationship had become familiar. I thought marriage was just the next logical step in life.

Children were always a part of my heart. Growing up, I always wanted to be a mother. I was shocked when I found out I was going to be the mother of twins in 1989. They stayed in the hospital for 3 months. (Go to my daughter's blog Making my Mark to read about that part of our journey. It's a three part series)

My husband was a verbal and physical abuser. Nothing I did was good enough or ever right. I came from a religious background, so I was taught a divorce was not even in the picture. How warped is that? My parents were taught that once you were married, you stayed married. The teaching was based on Malachi 2:16, which says, "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel...they usually stopped at that part. But if you keep reading, it gives you a clearer picture of what God was saying "..and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith" (NIV). Malachi was condeming Hebrew men [God was speaking of divorces motivated by lust because the Hebrew men wanted to marry more attractive women and He was talking about divorces that involved abandonment of women who had been faithful, loving partners though years of married life]. It's amazing how often the Bible is taken out of context. So I stayed because of what I was taught, and it just got worse. My husband was on drugs and that just escalated everything. To make a long story short, In 1997 the volcano erupted.

I was cooking chicken one night and, all I said was, "Supper is ready" or something similar and something triggered the anger within him. He took the pan of food and threw it outside. He started hitting me in the head on both sides and pounding my ears. I tried to escape through the front door, he pulled me by the hair of the head  until I was back inside. The hitting continued. It was almost as if his anger was giving him a superhuman amount of energy to continue on his rampage. My son, who was 7 at the time was there also, and my husband made him go outside during all of this.

There he was standing outside the door almost as if time stood still. He could still see some of what was going on. The hitting continued, until a little truck with two men pulled up in the yard and broke his concentration. I was able to slip from his grip and go to where my vehicle was. My husband threaten to shoot the men if they did not leave. I begged them not to leave, I said, "Just let me and my child ride in the back of your truck." My husband got furious and started yelling, he was ready to attack them, they ended up leaving.

Me and my son were almost free from the torment. I started to get in my car and my son on the other side, when I realized I had left my keys in the house. I thought I was trapped with no way out. I snapped out of my fear when I looked into my son's precious face. His life and future hung in the balance. I had to find a way out of this prison.

So, the only way to be able to get out of there was to get my son to go in and get them. My heart was ripped in two. I hated having to send my son back in the house to get those keys, but I knew if I went in there I wouldn't make it out alive.

My husband pleaded with me, saying, "I'll never do it again. Please don't go." For those of you who have never experience abuse, the abuser will always say I will never do it again. They will promise you the world in the moment only to have the world crash down around everyone when they go into a fit of rage again.

"I just want my keys, I said sternly. You let *Daniel go in and get those keys. I'm leaving," I said sternly.

*Name has been changed to protect the innocent.

To be continued...

New Chapter in My Life

It's been awhile since I wrote. A whole lot of things been going on. First, my son is getting married to Brittany Feb. 12. Had a shower for them this past Sunday. Here is a few pictures from the shower.

Reflections

Take a minute to reflect on where God has brought you from to where you are now. Whatever we go through it is not just for us--someone else needs to know they can make it, too. God can take our mess and turn it into something Beautiful.